


Modern Age: Of Idiotic Plans

by MickMackNickNack



Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Everyone Has Issues, Gen, Social Media, Stupidity, The Author Regrets Nothing, They have no idea what they're doing but they'll do it anyway, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, This Is STUPID, Time Travel, USELESS IDIOT DARK LORDS, but this is a crack fic so they say things like how keep off the grass signs get on the grass, deep talks while looking at the sky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-10-10 03:03:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20520893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MickMackNickNack/pseuds/MickMackNickNack
Summary: Two idiotic Dark Lords wind up in the modern world.  Shall I just be upfront and call it chaos?  Thought so.





	Modern Age: Of Idiotic Plans

**Author's Note:**

> This is pure self-indulgence. Enjoy!

The Valar had chased them through several hallways, several rooms, and one occupied toilet. “The general…idea…” Melkor huffed from behind Sauron, “was…to…escape…together…” Sauron growled and hefted Melkor onto his shoulder. “Eeeeeeyiiiii!” Melkor screeched as a flaming arrow shot past him, singing his hair and part of his face. “SAURON! I AM NOT YOUR SHIEEEELLD--OH, FOR SOMEONE’S SAKE, PUT ME DOWN!” 

Sauron obliged, only to start dragging him. “NOT FUNNY!” 

“THEN KEEP UP!” the now incredibly pissed Maia roared. “THEY ARE GOING TO CATCH US--I CAN SMELL THEM!” The evil duo doubled their speed and slammed open a door--

Straight to a balcony, the rails broken and dangling off the edge. Out of breath, they exchanged a fervent glance just as all fourteen Valar caught up. 

“Surrender!” someone cried, Tulkas most likely. Melkor was once again turned into baggage by Sauron, who pulled him against his chest (Melkor winced as the chest plate poked him in the skull) and grinned in a most evil fashion. 

“Never.” With this parting word, Sauron jumped into oblivion, praying for a better ending than a splat. 

Oddly enough, they got one. Or rather, not an ending at all, but a beginning. 

Meanwhile, the Valar were debating (in the dullest way possible) what in bleeding hell had just happened. “Who knows where they have gone?” Namo asked. Manwe shrugged. 

“I suppose to their doom,” he replied shakily. They turned to the edge, where not so long ago, Melkor and his (almost ludicrously tall) lieutenant had jumped right off into…that was what they were wondering.    
  


oOo 

Melkor groaned and shoved Sauron off of him. “Wh--where are we?” he mumbled. A muffled grunt was his only response until Sauron sat up and Melkor gasped. 

His lieutenant wasn’t any more attractive than normal, but his eyes were no longer the glowing orbs of fire. They had died to a dull amber, his dark skin had gone from being flawless to being lighter, almost caramel, his scars were still there…oh. He was shorter than normal. Melkor frowned. Great. He was still shorter than Sauron. 

“You’d think I’d get to be taller than you,” he grumbled. Sauron gave his normal raspy chuckle. 

“Never, Melkor. Absolutely never.” 

“There was that one time, with Fingolfin…” 

“Where are we?” Sauron interjected, clearly not tolerating any grief about height. 

“I…have no idea.” Melkor shrugged. Sauron frowned, then began to stand up. 

“Even so, we can’t sit around all day! Move your lazy arse or I swear--” 

“Sauron, I don’t  _ want  _ to--” 

“I don’t care what you--” 

“I care about what I--” 

“No one else--” 

“Everybody else--” 

“OH, SHUT UP, WILL YOU?” both yelled at the same time. That was when they noticed the single most horrifying thing either had ever noticed in the history of all of their noticings. They were surrounded. Not by Elves. Not by the Valar. Not by their soldiers. But by human children. 

“AAAAAAH! STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!” one, who was clutching a box that had a tube coming out of it. The box smelled like fruit. 

“SHUT UP, DARWIN!” all of the other children yelled. Melkor and Sauron exchanged a glance and began to run for the nearest hills. 

Needless to say, a certain honey badger was laughing their head off. 

This was not going to be normal. No. Not at all. 


End file.
